Interpersonal Intensity

How intense should my request or "no" be? (DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness)

Sometimes the problem isn't what you're going to say (DEAR MAN) or how you'll say it (GIVE/FAST). It's how strongly to come in.

This page helps you match your intensity to the situation—so you don't hint when you need to be firm, and you don't go "full force" when a lighter approach would work better.

When to use this

Use this page before you:

  • Make a request (ask for help, change, time, money, space, clarity, repair)
  • Say no (refuse, set a limit, delay, renegotiate)
  • Feel stuck between "I'm being too much" vs "I'm disappearing"

Step-by-step: Determine your intensity

Step 1 — Pick ONE lane

Choose one:

  • I am ASKING for something, or
  • I am SAYING NO / refusing something

Don't answer both sets. Pick the one you're doing right now.

Step 2 — Name your 3 priorities

Quick check:

  • Objectives: How important is it to get what I want?
  • Relationship: How fragile/tenuous is this relationship right now?
  • Self-respect: Is my self-respect or values on the line?

Rule of thumb:

  • Higher objective importance → more intensity
  • More relationship fragility → consider lowering intensity (or using extra GIVE)
  • Self-respect on the line → intensity should match your values (don't abandon you)

Step 3 — Do the Yes/No intensity checklist

Circle YES or NO for each factor below.

1) PRIORITIES

  • Objectives very important? YES / NO (asking)
  • Relationship very tenuous? YES / NO (asking — if YES, consider lowering intensity)
  • Self-respect on the line? YES / NO (both — let values guide)

2) CAPABILITIES

  • Does the person have what you want? YES / NO (asking)
  • Do I have what the other person wants? YES / NO (saying no)

3) TIMELINESS

  • Is this a good time to ask (attention, mood, bandwidth)? YES / NO (asking)
  • Is this a bad time to say no? YES / NO (saying no)

4) HOMEWORK

  • Do I know the facts + my goal + my request clearly? YES / NO (asking)
  • Is the other person's request clear? YES / NO (saying no)

5) AUTHORITY / OBLIGATION

  • Are they required (law/moral code/role) to give what I'm asking? YES / NO (asking)
  • Am I required to comply—would saying no violate their rights? YES / NO (saying no)

6) RELATIONSHIP FIT

  • Is what I want appropriate to our relationship? YES / NO (asking)
  • Is their request appropriate to our relationship? YES / NO (saying no)

7) RECIPROCITY

  • Have I done at least as much / am I willing to give too? YES / NO (asking)
  • Do I owe them / do they give me a lot? YES / NO (saying no)

8) GOALS OVER TIME

  • Would being submissive create long-term problems? YES / NO (asking)
  • Is short-term peace more important than long-term relationship health? YES / NO (saying no)

9) RESPECT / HELPLESSNESS CHECK

  • Am I avoiding helplessness (I can do some parts myself)? YES / NO (asking)
  • Will saying no wreck my self-respect? Does Wise Mind say "no is right"? YES / NO (saying no)

Step 4 — Add up your score

  • If you're ASKING: count your total YES
  • If you're SAYING NO: count your total NO

(That's the pattern used in the worksheet: YES's drive asking intensity; NO's drive refusal intensity.)

Step 5 — Convert your score to an intensity level

Use the chart:

ASKING (Total YES) → Intensity Rating

  • 6 = Ask firmly, insist
  • 5 = Ask firmly, resist "no"
  • 4 = Ask firmly, take "no"
  • 3 = Ask tentatively, take "no"
  • 2 = Hint openly, take "no"
  • 1 = Hint indirectly, take "no"
  • 0 = Don't ask, don't hint (do what they want without being asked)

SAYING NO (Total NO) → Intensity Rating

  • 6 = Refuse firmly, don't give in
  • 5 = Refuse firmly, resist giving in
  • 4 = Refuse firmly but reconsider
  • 3 = Express unwillingness
  • 2 = Express unwillingness but say yes
  • 1 = Express hesitancy but say yes
  • 0 = Do what they want without being asked

Step 6 — Match intensity to skills

Now choose the "toolkit" that fits your intensity:

  • High intensity (5–6): DEAR MAN + FAST, minimal negotiation, strong boundary language
  • Medium (3–4): DEAR MAN + GIVE, clear ask/no with room to negotiate
  • Low (0–2): gentle/brief communication; maybe you're gathering info first, or choosing acceptance

Step 7 — Write your one-sentence script

Fill one:

Asking:
"I'm asking for ___ by ___. If that doesn't work, I can do ___."

Saying no:
"I can't ___ . What I can do is ___ / I'm available ___."

Step 8 — Reality-check after

After the interaction:

  • Did I come in too hot? too soft?
  • Did I protect self-respect?
  • What would Wise Mind adjust next time—timing, clarity, or intensity?

Quick examples

Example A: Asking (Intensity 5)

You need a deadline change, you've been reliable, it's appropriate, timing is decent.
Approach: Ask firmly + resist no.
Script: "I need a 48-hour extension. If that's not possible, I can submit part one by Friday and the rest Monday."

Example B: Saying No (Intensity 6)

Someone keeps pushing a boundary you've stated, and you feel self-respect on the line.
Approach: Refuse firmly, don't give in.
Script: "No. I'm not available for that. Please stop asking."

If this feels extra hard (very common)

  • If you freeze/fawn: start with writing the script, then practice out loud once.
  • If you escalate: do a quick nervous system reset first (TIPP/breath), then use the chart.
  • If you're neurodivergent: it can help to pre-select 2–3 "default scripts" for common situations (plans changing, overstimulation, work asks), so you're not improvising under pressure.
Try the Worksheet (pdf)