Relationship Effectiveness: GIVE (DBT)

What is GIVE?

GIVE is a DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness skill focused on maintaining and improving your relationships during difficult conversations. While DEAR MAN helps you get what you want, GIVE helps you protect the relationship—even when you're asking for something or saying no.

GIVE = Gentle • Interested • Validate • Easy manner

GIVE is most effective when used alongside DEAR MAN (for objectives) and FAST (for self-respect).

When to use GIVE

Use GIVE when:

  • The relationship is important to you
  • You want to maintain connection during conflict
  • You're asking for something and want them to feel heard
  • You're saying no but want to preserve the relationship
  • You tend to come across as harsh or defensive

Step-by-step: GIVE

G — Be Gentle (no attacks, no threats)

Approach the conversation with kindness and respect. Avoid attacking, threatening, or using harsh language.

Do:

  • Use a calm, steady tone
  • Speak respectfully
  • Focus on the issue, not the person

Don't:

  • Attack: "You always..." or "You never..."
  • Threaten: "If you don't, I'll..."
  • Use harsh language or name-calling

Examples:

Not gentle: "You're so inconsiderate! You never think about anyone else!"

Gentle: "I feel hurt when plans change without notice. Can we talk about how to handle this differently?"

I — Act Interested (listen and show you care)

Show genuine interest in the other person's perspective. Listen actively and ask questions.

Do:

  • Listen without interrupting
  • Ask clarifying questions: "Can you help me understand...?"
  • Show you're paying attention: nod, make eye contact
  • Reflect back what you hear: "So you're saying..."

Don't:

  • Interrupt or finish their sentences
  • Plan your response while they're talking
  • Dismiss their perspective

Example:

"I want to understand your perspective. Can you tell me more about why this is important to you?"

V — Validate (acknowledge their feelings and perspective)

Validation doesn't mean agreement. It means acknowledging that their feelings and perspective make sense from their point of view.

Do:

  • Acknowledge their feelings: "I can see why you'd feel that way."
  • Validate their experience: "That makes sense given..."
  • Show understanding: "I understand that this is important to you."

Don't:

  • Invalidate: "You shouldn't feel that way."
  • Minimize: "It's not a big deal."
  • Dismiss: "That's ridiculous."

Examples:

Not validating: "You're overreacting. It's not that serious."

Validating: "I can see why this feels frustrating to you. That makes sense."

E — Easy manner (be lighthearted, use humor when appropriate)

Keep the conversation light when possible. Use humor, smile, and don't take everything so seriously.

Do:

  • Use a warm, friendly tone
  • Smile when appropriate
  • Use light humor (when it fits)
  • Keep things in perspective

Don't:

  • Be overly serious or dramatic
  • Use sarcasm (it can feel like an attack)
  • Make everything a crisis

Example:

"I know we're both stressed about this. Let's figure it out together—we've solved harder things before!"

Complete GIVE Example: Asking for help

  • Gentle: "I know you're busy, and I'm wondering if you might have time to help me with something."
  • Interested: "How are things going for you? I want to make sure this isn't a bad time."
  • Validate: "I know you have a lot on your plate, and I appreciate that."
  • Easy manner: "No pressure at all—if you can't, totally fine! Just thought I'd ask."

Combining GIVE with DEAR MAN

You can use GIVE throughout your DEAR MAN script to maintain the relationship while getting your objective:

Example: Asking for a change

GIVE + DEAR MAN: "I know you're stressed about work [Validate]. I'm wondering if we could talk about something [Gentle, Easy manner]. When plans change last minute, I feel anxious because I've already prepared [Express]. I'm asking if you could give me a heads up when possible [Assert]. I understand things come up, and I'm flexible—just a text would help [Validate, Negotiate]."

Common Challenges

"I don't feel like being gentle when I'm angry"

Remember: You can feel angry and still communicate gently. Take a break if needed, then return with GIVE. Being gentle doesn't mean you're not angry—it means you're choosing how to express it.

"Validating feels like I'm agreeing with them"

Remember: Validation ≠ agreement. You can say "I understand why you feel that way" without saying "you're right." Validation is about acknowledging their experience, not endorsing it.

"Easy manner feels fake when I'm upset"

Remember: Easy manner doesn't mean pretending you're not upset. It means not escalating unnecessarily. You can be serious about the issue while keeping your tone respectful.

Practice Exercise

Think of a conversation where you want to maintain the relationship. Write your GIVE response:

Gentle: "I'm wondering if we could talk about..."

Interested: "Can you help me understand your perspective on...?"

Validate: "I can see why you'd feel..."

Easy manner: "No pressure, just wanted to check in..."

Try the Worksheet (pdf)