DBT Skill FAST for Self-Respect
What is FAST?
FAST is a DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness skill focused on maintaining your self-respect during difficult conversations. While DEAR MAN helps you get what you want, FAST helps you keep your self-respect intact—even when the conversation doesn't go your way.
FAST = Fair • (no) Apologies • Stick to values • Truthful
FAST is most effective when used alongside DEAR MAN (for objectives) and GIVE (for relationships).
When to use FAST
Use FAST when:
- You're setting a boundary or saying no
- You're in a conflict where self-respect feels at risk
- You tend to over-apologize or minimize your needs
- You want to maintain your values during a difficult conversation
- You're negotiating and want to stay true to yourself
Step-by-step: FAST
F — Be Fair (to yourself AND the other person)
Fair means acknowledging both perspectives without giving up your own needs.
Do:
- Listen to their perspective
- Validate their feelings (even if you disagree)
- State your needs clearly
Don't:
- Give up your needs to "be fair"
- Assume you're always wrong
- Take all the blame
Example:
"I understand you're stressed about the deadline. I'm also stressed, and I need to set this boundary."
A — (No) Apologies (don't over-apologize)
Only apologize when you've actually done something wrong. Don't apologize for having needs, setting boundaries, or saying no.
Do:
- Apologize for actual mistakes: "I'm sorry I was late."
- Say no clearly without apology: "I can't do that."
Don't:
- Apologize for your feelings: "I'm sorry I feel this way."
- Apologize for saying no: "I'm sorry, but I can't."
- Apologize repeatedly
Examples:
Over-apologizing: "I'm so sorry, I know this is inconvenient, but I really can't make it. I'm really sorry."
FAST way: "I can't make it. Thanks for understanding."
S — Stick to your values
Don't compromise your values to avoid conflict or please others. Know what matters to you and hold to it.
Before the conversation, ask:
- What are my core values here?
- What am I not willing to compromise on?
- What would violate my self-respect?
During the conversation:
- Return to your values if you feel pressured
- Say: "That doesn't align with my values."
- Don't agree to things that violate your principles
Example:
"I value honesty, so I can't agree to lie about this. I understand it's difficult, and I'm not willing to compromise on this."
T — Be Truthful (don't lie, don't make excuses)
Be honest about your needs, feelings, and limits. You don't need elaborate excuses—the truth is enough.
Do:
- Tell the truth about your needs and limits
- Be direct: "I can't do that because I'm already overwhelmed."
- Keep it simple—you don't need a long explanation
Don't:
- Make up elaborate excuses
- Lie to avoid conflict
- Say "maybe" when you mean "no"
Examples:
Making excuses: "Oh, I'd love to, but I have this thing, and then another thing, and my dog is sick..."
Truthful: "I can't take that on right now. I'm at capacity."
Complete FAST Example: Saying no to extra work
- Fair: "I understand this project is important to you. I also need to protect my capacity."
- No Apologies: "I can't take on this project." (Not: "I'm so sorry, I wish I could...")
- Stick to values: "I value doing quality work, and I can't do that if I'm spread too thin."
- Truthful: "I'm already working on three projects and don't have capacity for another."
Common Challenges
"I feel guilty saying no without apologizing"
Remember: Saying no is not wrong. You're allowed to have limits. Practice: "I can't do that" (period, no apology needed).
"They'll think I'm being unfair"
Remember: Fair doesn't mean equal. Fair means both people's needs matter. You can acknowledge their needs while holding yours.
"I don't know what my values are"
Practice: Before difficult conversations, ask: "What would I need to do to feel good about myself after this?" That's your value.
Practice Exercise
Think of a situation where you want to say no or set a boundary. Write your FAST response:
Fair: "I understand _____. I also need _____."
No Apologies: "I can't _____."
Stick to values: "I value _____, so I need to _____."
Truthful: "The truth is _____."