Objectives Effectiveness: DEAR MAN (DBT)

Do you need help modulating intensity?

Before DEAR MAN (or before "say no"), DBT often uses an "options for intensity" tool: how hard to ask or say no.

DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness skills are designed to help you get what you need from relationships while respecting yourself and others. When you have a clear objective—asking for help, requesting a change, saying no, negotiating a responsibility—DEAR MAN is the DBT "get the outcome" script.

DEAR MAN = Describe • Express • Assert • Reinforce • (stay) Mindful • Appear confident • Negotiate.

DEAR MAN is most effective when paired with GIVE (protect the relationship) and FAST (protect self-respect).

What is this for?

Use DEAR MAN when you want to:

  • ask for a favor or help
  • request a change or compromise
  • say no and make it stick
  • resolve conflict or get your viewpoint taken seriously

Also: even perfect skills don't guarantee success—some environments won't respond. When it's impossible to get what you want, DBT often shifts to Distress Tolerance and Radical Acceptance.

Step-by-step: DEAR MAN

Step 0 — Get clear on your goal (30 seconds)

Fill in:

  • What I want: ________
  • From who: ________
  • By when: ________
  • My top priority: Objective / Relationship / Self-respect

If you feel overwhelmed, consider:

  • postponing low-priority demands
  • balancing "wants" vs "shoulds"
  • asking for help instead of doing it alone

Step 1 — D: Describe (facts only)

Say what happened without judgments.

Template:

  • "When ___ happened…"
  • "The facts are ___."

Examples:

"You said you'd be home by dinner, and you got home at 11."

Step 2 — E: Express (your feelings/opinions with "I")

Don't assume the other person knows how you feel.

Template:

  • "I feel ___ about that."
  • "I'm feeling ___ because ___."

Tip: keep it short. Expression is not a debate.

Step 3 — A: Assert (ask clearly or say no clearly)

Be direct. One clear sentence.

Templates (asking):

  • "I'm asking you to ___."
  • "I need ___."

Templates (saying no):

  • "No, I can't do that."
  • "I'm not available for ___."

Step 4 — R: Reinforce (why it helps / what they gain)

Reinforce increases the chance they say yes by showing benefits.

Template:

  • "If you do ___, then ___."
  • "It would help because ___."

Tip: If you promise a "reward" (gratitude, reciprocation), follow through.

Step 5 — M: Stay Mindful (don't get pulled off track)

This is the "broken record" part: calmly repeat your ask or your no.

Do:

  • return to your main point
  • ignore side attacks
  • keep your voice even

Broken record line:

"I hear you. And I'm still asking for ___."

Step 6 — A: Appear confident (even if you feel scared)

Confidence helps your message land.

Try:

  • steady volume (not whispering)
  • upright posture
  • fewer "maybe / I'm not sure / sorry" add-ons

If you're shaking inside, that's okay—"appear confident" is about delivery, not perfection.

Step 7 — N: Negotiate (be flexible, not vague)

Negotiate means: trade, compromise, or brainstorm—without abandoning your goal.

Templates:

  • "I can't do __, but I can do __."
  • "Would __ or __ work better for you?"
  • "What solution would work for both of us?"

If the conversation turns toxic: "DEAR MAN inside DEAR MAN"

If they derail with attacks, interruptions, or refusing to accept your boundary, you can address that directly:

  • Describe: "You're raising your voice and interrupting me."
  • Express: "I'm getting overwhelmed."
  • Assert: "I'm going to pause this conversation."
  • Reinforce: "We can talk later when it's calmer."

Practice (recommended)

DEAR MAN works best when you write it out and rehearse—especially if you freeze in the moment.

Try:

  1. Write your DEAR MAN as 4–7 short sentences
  2. Practice out loud once
  3. Identify the hardest letter (often Assert or Mindful) and practice that part again

Example: renegotiating chores

  • Describe: "I've been taking out the trash every week since we moved in."
  • Express: "I don't like doing it—dust aggravates my allergies."
  • Assert: "I'm not going to take the trash out anymore."
  • Reinforce: "If you take it out, it will get done the way you prefer."
  • Mindful: repeat calmly if needed
  • Appear confident: steady voice, eye contact
  • Negotiate: "I can trade and do the bathroom instead—would that work?"
Interactive Worksheet (pdf)DEAR MAN Worksheet (pdf)