Communication Styles

Communication isn't just what you say—it's how you protect your needs, your relationships, and your self-respect while you say it. In DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness, noticing your default style helps you get more choice: Do I want to be more direct? more gentle? more firm?

This page helps you:

  • Identify your primary communication style
  • Understand how it impacts your relationships
  • Choose small, practical shifts toward assertive communication (the DBT "sweet spot")

When to use this page

Use this when you notice:

  • You leave conversations feeling resentful, guilty, or misunderstood
  • You avoid asking for what you need (then stew later)
  • You come in too hot and regret it
  • You "agree" but feel pressured, then shut down or get sarcastic

Step 1: Take the communication styles quiz

Read each statement and check the ones that feel most characteristic of you.

Assertive Style

  • I feel that I am allowed to express my thoughts and emotions to other people.
  • I pay attention to both my own needs and those of other people, and I am good at making compromises.
  • I always try to listen carefully to what other people are trying to tell me, and I make sure they know that.
  • If I have an argument with somebody, I can express myself (my thoughts and emotions) in a clear and honest way.
  • I treat myself and other people with respect while I'm communicating with them.

Passive Style

  • If I express my feelings, other people will get mad at me or they will reject me.
  • I am usually quiet because I don't want to upset people.
  • I try to ignore my feelings instead of communicating them to other people.
  • I don't state clearly when something matters to me or when I care about an issue.
  • I try to avoid having the spotlight on me by stating an opinion that's different.

Aggressive Style

  • Some of my friends are intimidated by me.
  • I always put my own needs and goals first, regardless of the others around me.
  • My way is always the right way.
  • I often swear, yell and I am verbally aggressive with people.
  • I don't care if the needs of the people around me are met.

Passive-Aggressive Style

  • When I am angry with somebody I ignore them and I am silent with them.
  • Even if I want something else, I agree to do the things that people around me want to do.
  • When I am angry I tend to mock people in some way.
  • I don't express my emotions clearly, but I show people that I am angry in other ways.
  • I try to express my anger in a more toned down way because I don't want to feel rejected.

Step 2: Score it (quick + useful)

Count how many you checked in each category.

  • Highest score = your default style
  • Second-highest = your backup style under stress
  • If two tie: you may switch styles depending on the relationship (work vs partner vs family)

Mini-check: Which style shows up when you're tired, hungry, triggered, or overwhelmed?

Step 3: Learn what each style is "trying to do"

Every style is attempting to solve a problem.

Assertive Style

Goal: meet needs while protecting relationship + self-respect

How it lands: clear, respectful, collaborative

Common risk: can feel "too direct" to people used to you being passive

Passive Style

Goal: prevent conflict / rejection

How it lands: unclear, quiet, self-erasing

Cost: needs don't get met → resentment, burnout, feeling invisible

Aggressive Style

Goal: prevent vulnerability / gain control / stop feeling powerless

How it lands: intimidating, forceful, "I win/you lose"

Cost: relationship damage, escalation, regret, people withdraw

Passive-Aggressive Style

Goal: express anger safely without direct conflict

How it lands: confusing, indirect, punishing (silence/sarcasm)

Cost: issues don't resolve, trust erodes, you feel stuck

Step 4: Map your pattern (2 minutes)

Fill in these prompts:

  1. Predominant style:
  2. Who do you use it with most? (partner, parent, boss, roommate, friends)
  3. What triggers it? (criticism, feeling ignored, fear of rejection, feeling controlled)
  4. What do you get short-term? (peace, distance, control, no conflict)
  5. What does it cost long-term? (resentment, loneliness, fights, lost trust)

Step 5: Choose a "one-step shift" toward assertive

Pick ONE change for your next real conversation.

If you're Passive → try one clear sentence

  • "I'm not available for that."
  • "I need time to think—can I answer tomorrow?"
  • "This matters to me."

If you're Aggressive → try soften + state the need

  • Lower volume, slower pace, fewer words
  • "I'm frustrated. What I need is ____."

If you're Passive-Aggressive → try name the feeling directly

  • "I'm feeling hurt and I'm pulling away."
  • "I'm upset. Can we talk for 10 minutes tonight?"

If you're Assertive already → try intensity tuning

Use your Interpersonal Intensity page: not every request needs "full volume."

Step 6: Practice script (copy/paste)

Use this structure when you don't know what to say:

  1. Fact: "When ____ happened…"
  2. Feeling: "I felt ____."
  3. Need/Request: "I need / I'm asking for ____."
  4. Boundary (if needed): "If that can't happen, I'll ____."

Example:

"When plans change last minute, I feel stressed. I need a heads-up earlier. If it's last-minute, I might skip this time."

Worksheets

A) Quiz results

  • Assertive: __
  • Passive: __
  • Aggressive: __
  • Passive-Aggressive: __

B) Reflection

  • Default style: __
  • Backup style under stress: __
  • Most common trigger: __
  • One-step shift I'll try next: __