Assertive Communication

What is Assertive Communication?

Assertive communication is the DBT "sweet spot" between passivity (giving up your needs) and aggression (violating others' needs). It means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs directly and respectfully—while also respecting the other person's right to have their own perspective.

Assertive communication means:

  • You state your needs clearly without apology
  • You listen to others' needs and perspectives
  • You can say "no" without feeling guilty
  • You can ask for what you need without being aggressive
  • You respect yourself AND the other person

When to use Assertive Communication

Use assertive communication when:

  • You need to set a boundary
  • You want to ask for something
  • You need to say "no" to a request
  • You want to express your feelings or opinions
  • You need to address a conflict or misunderstanding
  • You want to negotiate or compromise

The Assertive Communication Formula

DBT teaches a simple structure for assertive communication:

Template:

"When [specific situation], I feel [emotion] because [reason]. I need [specific request]."

Or shorter: "I feel [emotion] when [situation]. I need [request]."

Examples

Asking for help:

"I'm feeling overwhelmed with this project. I need some help with the research portion. Can you take that on?"

Setting a boundary:

"I feel uncomfortable when you call me after 10pm. I need my evenings to be quiet time. Can we keep calls to before 9pm?"

Saying no:

"I appreciate you thinking of me, but I can't take on that project right now. I need to focus on my current commitments."

Expressing feelings:

"I feel hurt when plans get cancelled last minute. I need more notice when possible so I can adjust my schedule."

Key Components of Assertive Communication

1. Use "I" Statements

Instead of "you" statements that blame:

  • Not: "You always interrupt me!"
  • Assertive: "I feel frustrated when I'm interrupted. I need to finish my thoughts."

2. Be Specific

Vague requests are harder to respond to:

  • Not: "You need to be more considerate."
  • Assertive: "I need you to text me if you'll be more than 15 minutes late."

3. Express Your Feelings

Name the emotion without making the other person responsible:

  • Not: "You made me angry."
  • Assertive: "I feel angry when plans change without notice."

4. Make Clear Requests

State what you need, not what you don't want:

  • Not: "Stop being so messy."
  • Assertive: "I need the dishes to be done by 8pm so I can cook dinner."

5. Listen and Validate

Assertive communication is a two-way street:

  • Listen to the other person's perspective
  • Validate their feelings (even if you disagree)
  • Look for compromise when possible

Common Challenges and Solutions

Challenge: "I feel guilty saying no"

Solution:

  • Remember: saying no to one thing means saying yes to your own needs
  • You don't need to justify or over-explain
  • Practice: "I can't do that, but thank you for asking."

Challenge: "I come across as aggressive"

Solution:

  • Use a calm, steady tone (not loud or sharp)
  • Keep your body language open (uncrossed arms, relaxed posture)
  • Add validation: "I understand your perspective, and I also need..."

Challenge: "I freeze up in the moment"

Solution:

  • Buy time: "Let me think about that and get back to you."
  • Practice scripts ahead of time
  • Start small with low-stakes situations

Practice Exercise

Pick one situation where you want to be more assertive. Fill in the template:

Situation:

When [specific situation]...

Feeling:

I feel [emotion]...

Need:

I need [specific request]...

Your assertive statement:

"When _____, I feel _____ because _____. I need _____."

Remember

Assertive communication is a skill that takes practice. Start with small situations and build up. It's okay if it feels awkward at first—that's normal when learning a new skill.

The goal isn't perfection. The goal is expressing your needs while respecting others—and yourself.