Letting Go of Painful Emotions

DBT Emotion Regulation — also called Mindfulness of Current Emotions / Ride the Wave

Painful emotions are real and valid. "Letting go" in DBT does not mean pushing them away or pretending they're fine. It means letting go of the extra suffering that comes from fighting reality, replaying the story, or trying to force the feeling to disappear.

DBT frames this as a path to "emotional freedom," because suppressing emotions tends to increase suffering over time.

When to use this skill

Use it when you notice:

  • You're stuck in a loop (ruminating, replaying, rehearsing arguments, spiraling).
  • You're trying to not feel something and it's getting louder.
  • You're acting like the emotion is an emergency, even if it isn't.

If you're so overwhelmed you can't focus on anything but the emotion, your brain stops processing, or you can't use "complicated skills," that's a skills breakdown point—switch to crisis survival skills first.

Step-by-step: Ride the Wave (the core practice)

Step 0: Set yourself up (10 seconds)

  • Pick a time container: "I'm practicing for 60–90 seconds."
  • Choose an anchor: breath, feet on floor, hands on thighs, a visual point in the room.
  • Optional: say quietly, "This is a feeling. Feelings rise and fall."

Step 1: Observe the emotion (name it)

DBT starts with stepping back and noticing.

Try:

  • "I'm noticing anger."
  • "I'm noticing shame."
  • "I'm noticing grief."
  • If naming is hard: "I'm noticing something intense."

Neurodivergent-friendly option:

if naming emotions is hard (alexithymia/interoception stuff), label the channel instead:

  • "Fast thoughts."
  • "Hot face."
  • "Pressure in chest."
  • "Urgency to fix/escape."

Step 2: Wave metaphor (stop arguing with the water)

DBT suggests experiencing the emotion as a wave, coming and going—then imagining surfing it.

That means:

  • You don't have to like the wave.
  • You don't have to solve the wave.
  • You just stay on the board.

Use a phrase like:

  • "Here it comes… here it is… it will shift."

Step 3: Drop the 5 common "hooks"

This is the heart of "letting go of suffering." While you surf:

  • Don't block or suppress it.
  • Don't try to push it away.
  • Don't try to keep it around / hold on to it.
  • Don't amplify it (don't add extra fuel).

Quick check: ask, "Am I adding a second arrow?"

Examples of "second arrows":

  • "I shouldn't feel this."
  • "This proves I'm broken."
  • "I'll feel like this forever."

Step 4: Mindfulness of body sensations (optional, and adjustable)

DBT suggests noticing where the emotion shows up in the body and experiencing sensations fully, while observing how long until it goes down.

If body awareness is accessible:

  • Scan: jaw, throat, chest, belly, hands, shoulders.
  • Describe sensations like a scientist: "tight," "buzzing," "heavy," "electric," "numb."

If body awareness is not accessible or is triggering:

  • Use external anchors instead: hold an ice cube, notice fabric texture, look for 5 objects with straight lines, listen for 3 separate sounds.
  • Or do "body-lite": only notice one safe area (feet in socks, hands on blanket).

Step 5: Remember: you are not your emotion

DBT is explicit: you don't have to act on the emotion, and it helps to remember times you've felt different.

Try:

  • "This is part of me, not all of me."
  • "I can feel this without obeying it."
  • "I have felt other things before, and I will again."

Step 6: Practice "loving" the emotion (meaning: respect + no judgment)

DBT frames this as respecting the emotion and not judging it—practicing willingness and radically accepting the emotion as present.

Gentle phrases:

  • "Of course I feel this, given what I've lived."
  • "This is a nervous system doing its job."
  • "I don't approve of what happened, but I can allow the feeling to exist."

A super-short version (30 seconds)

  1. Name: "I'm noticing ___."
  2. Wave: "This will rise and fall."
  3. Unhook: "No pushing away, no amplifying."
  4. Choose: "I won't act for 30 seconds."

Troubleshooting (common blocks)

"It gets bigger when I notice it."

That's normal at first. You're turning toward what you used to avoid. Keep the time container tiny (30–60 seconds). If arousal spikes into overwhelm, pivot to crisis skills.

"I can't find the emotion in my body."

Also normal—especially with interoception differences. Use external anchors and label thoughts/urges instead. You're still doing the skill.

"I keep replaying the story."

Treat the story like a thought channel, not the emotion.
Try: "Replaying is here." Then return to sensation/anchor.

"I'm judging myself for having this feeling."

Add a dialectic reminder: acceptance is not approval. You can accept what's happening inside you without approving of what caused it. (This is a core DBT move.)

Practice ideas (start small)

Pick one "low-stakes" situation and practice for 60 seconds:

  • Mild irritation (slow line, tech issue)
  • Disappointment (plans changed)
  • Anxiety (sending a message)

The goal is repetition, not perfection.

Try the Worksheet (pdf)